"people come back stronger. so I wouldn't worry about how hard you've been hit...it's the way you rise that counts. the way you come back and the way you deal with what brought you down...that's what makes you who you are. how you fall and how you fly and how far you extend your wings...that's what's important here. remember that." - r.m. drake

Image: Rosie Chee

Photographer (Raw Image): Tony Mitchell


#oamg #blackandwhite #unedited #nofilters #rawimage
#justme #natural #nomakeup #tattooed #Kiwi

Two years ago this day, "REBORN" was permanently inscribed on my skin (in ancient Chinese calligraphy). It was a heartfelt reminder that every death was the birth of a new lifetime, of each resurrection I had made through the fire after each awakening. Little did I realize that the two years to come would cause the most devastating destruction and uproot everything. Yet in the wake of it all, choices were made ("I DECIDE" on my left wrist another permanent reminder that in the end, I am the one who ultimately decides what I will do) and what took shape as the flames and smoke began to slowly dissipate in the darkness was no phoenix rising but something else entirely, that breathed in the chaos to let grow stronger its burning wild. Wild woman to dark angel and awakened demon, now Gemini Goddess. Embraced entirely, a universe contained delicately, explosively, within beautiful skin, I had to let shatter all that I was to become all that I am and was always meant to be.

Words: © 2018 Rosie Chee​

I never ended up posting this last year. For some reason, I always hesitated. But not now, not after everything. Not after, against my better judgement, I allowed someone I walked away from once before, the "second chance" they asked for, doubt in me from the start, because words mean nothing when always contradicted by actions and future words. Even despite love, my deeper instincts in the past always felt uneasy, coming to recognize an uncomfortable truth, and today it became clearer than ever that listening to them then saved me from a worse nightmare than the one I have lived once before. I will allow no more of me to be "taken", no more tolerance for curiosity's sake, when instinct screams to stay away. So today I made a choice. I chose to walk away a second time. The first time I did gave a sense of freedom and lightness of being, albeit fleeting as healing did not come so easy, a testing of "second chance" making it painfully clear that healing had only been masked and not complete. But this time, this time there will be no weakness "for love", for while we can and do love, not always is it beneficial, and sometimes, for our own protection and wellbeing, for true freedom and manifestation of our best self, that love must exist "outside" of our life. No more death. Just life. That of what is "left", with transformative renewal and "rebirth" of anything that was taken.


Words: © 2018 Rosie Chee

Do you understand

that you feel like a starting

over point for me?

Haiku © 2017 Rosie Chee

Art by: Aaron Griffin

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY


I LIKE WHO I'M BECOMING


I am not the person I was a year ago, nor several months ago, even a week ago or a day ago. Like life and time I am constantly evolving, changing as my soul experiences everything in an hourglass of passion and depression, hope and despair, love and loathing, progress and stagnation. Everything that I see, hear, taste, smell, and do has an impact no matter how small or big, whether I realize it or not, and affects how I ultimately perceive the world, myself, and my position in it.

Constant evolution suggests constant PROGRESS, BECOMING BETTER, leaving behind the shell of who I was, accepting and embracing and stepping into the new, the unknown future and all it holds for me. There is no fear of what is to come, for I have something far greater alongside all the weapons I need to take stance against anything and all who might come against me, knowing that He will ALWAYS have my back, that everything I go through has PURPOSE.

Is there pain? Yes. Is there sorrow? Yes. Is there darkness? Yes. But there is also joy and happiness and light, and it is THOSE things that my soul holds on for, the glimpse of them that hope has afforded me, the woman that I will be at the end of it all, who I am becoming for the one I am being created FOR. There can be no triumph without struggle, no strength without experiencing weakness, no life without the exchange of death, and I have struggled in and with my weakness, dying to be reborn into the life I was MEANT to live.

I am a different creature than I once was. I am changed in ways I never thought I would be. I see things I never thought I would see. I hold dreams I never thought I would ever care for. I have allowed the hard shell of the rock island that I was to be penetrated, a crumbling of the wall that once kept the world at bay and me safe inside, eroding as slowly I step into the light, trembling as I share my soul with the world I stayed aloof from for a lifetime, a shy emergence of a rare softness and vulnerability peeking out from the “machine”.

I am becoming something more than I ever imagined. I am becoming all that I was intended to be. Instead of heaviness there is lightness in my soul, a quiet calm even as there blows a maelstrom, because I know that I am growing into my destiny. I am growing into “my own”, a woman with complete confidence in herself and her abilities and place in the world, at peace with her heart and soul and the desires no longer hidden there. I know some don’t approve of my choices or like the path I have embarked on, but this is MY life, not theirs, and I LIKE who I’m becoming and I WELCOME it.

© Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

YOUR LIGHT

There’s a certain joy in knowing that you are able to make someone smile or shine a little bit of light in their darkness, to be able to make a difference no matter how small or insignificant it might seem in another’s life. There’s something that happens in one’s soul when they “feel” a glow in another and know that they have “helped” with it. There’s a spark that can be “relit” when we “give” of ourselves when we have little left to give, simply because in the unselfish act of desiring happiness for another, there is something that still has hope and can be “revived” to life within us.

Not everyone will ever experience that joy or change or spark, because not everyone is “built” the same. But those that do, acknowledged or not, understand and continue to strive to make a difference regardless of the darkness they might be battling or the storms they themselves traverse through, for the greatest blessings in life are often  those times when we find ourselves challenged the most. For on the flipside of “death’s” coin is life, as death is not the end nor is it final, and although everything done cannot be undone, it can be reworked and “remade” into something else entirely.

© 2015 Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

DEAR GOD, THANK YOU

For what has BEEN – I might not have completely understood it at the time, but I do now, knowing it was NECESSARY to bring me to this point. For the experiences given – without which my soul would not have been changed that my heart would be able to be open enough to share, and in the sharing be able to touch lives in ways I might not have been able to before, making room for more difference to be made and a hand that would never before have been offered to be given. For the intertwining threads – the souls allowed to touch mine have marked me far more than they will ever know, impacted me more than anyone might ever see, created strength that can be sensed by those who have known me, changed me in both beauty and pain but ultimately for the BETTER.

For transforming my SOUL – I will always be what I was, but not what I was as I move FORWARD through life, living and learning, the old ways of survival still would work but now not what I want to use, knowing their weaknesses and taking only their strengths with me into the future I am walking into; having fallen and risen, broken and rebuilding, lived and died and been reborn for the second time, an even newer and wiser creature emerging from the flames, not the Terminator I started out as or the Warrior I became, but an Angel of neither white or black; standing alone but not alone, the integral fundamentals unchanged even as everything is changed.

For EVERYTHING that is – TRANSFORMING my soul as it needed and needs to be, so that I can be everything that I need and should be, so that I can do and be everything I am meant to; all of it for Your glory, proof that prayers do get answered and miracles do exist, the lost can be found and the hardest of hearts made soft, walls can be broken down and ice can be melted, blank masks can become genuine smiles as life continues and opens up before me; stepping forward in faith across the invisible bridge over the chasm below.

© Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

REBORN

Sometimes we need to die in order to know what it truly means to live. Sometimes we need to forget our lives before and just let ourselves live in the now. Sometimes we need to break down the walls of everything we were and create a new being. Sometimes we must experience the greatest happiness and have it torn from us and suffer, so that we can see the truth in the destruction and pain, and give ourselves a real chance to make our world right with a brand new beginning.

Dying does not always mean leaving everything you were behind. You will never be completely different, even as you are not the same person that entered the flames. Dying means burning away the weakness and developing the strength, finding new strength and sharpening the edges of the resolve that helped you survive so long. The difference will be in what the world sees, their eyes suddenly open as realization that you have always been what you said you were, but now you will not hide any part of it.

Dying is valuing yourself enough to take a stand, to admit you’re not invincible, not infallible, not a machine, and knowing when enough is enough and it’s time to start taking care of you, instead of just always pushing through and taking on so much you know there will eventually come a breaking point. Dying is reaching that breaking point and letting it go. It is letting yourself be broken, but not accepting such a state, putting yourself back together with wisdom alongside strength, so it does not happen again.

Dying means letting go of anything that might have held you back. It is finding complete acceptance in all that you are, all aspects of light and dark in your soul and now, instead of the darkness keeping you alive, choosing to let your light be the source of what keeps you going. It is embracing the woman who has long hidden inside the warrior’s armour, letting your heart be seen even as you still keep it locked up and only precious few inside, those rare true souls who truly cherish and understand it.

Dying is making one sacrifice for another. The sacrifice you make though you know will be worth it, for each evolution of you tears away the layers that were once a cold, emotionless machine who chose to be a rock island in the world, revealing the true heart that has been buried so deep for so long, breathing new life into it. Terminator to Warrior to Angel, saved by grace and reborn by fire, stronger and wiser and finding the beauty in the beast, walking forward without looking back.

© Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

ALL SOUL

Your soul has traversed the darkest dimensions, slowly returning to the light, emerging to let itself glow again in the world, albeit like a shy bud warily opening to the winter sun, wondering if the frost will melt or try to kill it while it is vulnerable. It has suffered the deepest heartache possible, pain over and over, because it was naïve and wanted to believe that it could trust the “love” claimed, now left wondering if all words are anything but emptiness, promises only promising time waiting until they are broken.

The very first love of your soul returns, causing mixed emotions because of everything that has happened, the desire to embrace it again strong, but instinct whispering caution stronger, knowing that unless any words spoken can be backed up with action, nothing has changed, even as everything has changed, and there is no place in your life for any ambivalence. Only surety has a future in your future and anything that cannot prove its truth is not sure, requiring weeding with everything else toxic.

The darkness of your darkness has been banished, almost as if it knew you finally realized its pure motives, not the actions that almost perfectly matched the words and would have been believed had there not been unrest in your soul and you not known the truth behind the words leading to the actions. You strive to keep it from you, not wanting to give it any more power than it has been recently allowed in your life, seeking only to take from the experience instinct leading you in the same way as it is for your first love.

The life that you live now you want free of clutter, cobwebs that can become tangled mazes seeking to throw you off course, devils disguised as angels wanting only to wreak havoc on any peace, negative wanting to drown anything flourishing, winter wanting to take over summer light and create a world of endless darkness. You know what life you want and you are strong enough now to take control of its creation, finally realizing your true strength, not the illusion of it you had before.

You might be in one of the hardest parts of your life’s journey, but you are definitely coming “into your own”, despite thinking you had already, older and wiser than even when you endured the deepest heartbreak and most complete destruction of soul, a warrior recreated and transformed from the terminator, a phoenix reborn through the hottest of hell’s fires, now part machine and part human but all soul, with the power of that soul and its attitude softness carved into hard edges, a true heart still its essence.

© 2014 Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

HOW TO LIVE

Life is a process and we are one within it. Sometimes we can be unsure. Well, not just sometimes, but a lot. Sometimes we can mistrust ourselves so much that we either never take the step we know we should or we hesitate so long that the time for it passes and we are left with the remnant of “what could have been” and a dream stuck in our soul.

However, no matter how long it takes, I believe that we eventually reach a point when we know to LISTEN to that inner voice and trust what it says, because it is His whispers in our soul, the instinct given to GUIDE us “through” life. It may take a lifetime, but the day WILL come when you are in acceptance of your life and everything that has happened up until that point and you will TRUST YOURSELF to know what is “best” for you and “see” the path you are supposed to take.

As soon as you STOP second-guessing yourself you will find that life becomes a “joy”, peace settling over your heart and soul. Decisions become easier as all the “what ifs?” and “buts” fall away to reveal the truth in your soul, the longings and desires, sometimes hidden, sometimes as clear as the sun on a cloudless day, there. The clamour that abounded before becomes a single voice, sometimes still, but always heard, “telling” you “how” to live.

You have to give yourself PERMISSION to listen. You have to trust that your inner compass is directed towards “true north”, the ultimate destination you are headed in, the journey that will teach you the most in life, what you need as it gifts you with experiences beyond your wildest imaginings, even for those of us who have been accused of “living” in our minds and imagination.

So, rise up. Set aside the ashes that have covered you. Rise like a Terminator and step forth from the flames. Let the world see what the fire has forged. Look out the world with eyes that have known more than they should and set your course FORWARD. Like a “machine” following GPS, follow the “call of your heart”, heeding instinct, letting the machine “be human” so that you can have the “best of both worlds”, experiencing everything not through just the logical, but emotional and soul as well, LIVING.

© 2014 Rosie Chee

MOTIVATIONAL OF THE DAY

REBORN

Sometimes we need to die in order to know what it truly means to live. Sometimes we need to forget our lives before and just let ourselves live in the now. Sometimes we need to break down the walls of everything we were and create a new being. Sometimes we must experience the greatest happiness and have it torn from us and suffer, so that we can see the truth in the destruction and pain, and give ourselves a real chance to make our world right with a brand new beginning.

Dying does not always mean leaving everything you were behind. You will never be completely different, even as you are not the same person that entered the flames. Dying means burning away the weakness and developing the strength, finding new strength and sharpening the edges of the resolve that helped you survive so long. The difference will be in what the world sees, their eyes suddenly open as realization that you have always been what you said you were, but now you will not hide any part of it.

Dying is valuing yourself enough to take a stand, to admit you’re not invincible, not infallible, not a machine, and knowing when enough is enough and it’s time to start taking care of you, instead of just always pushing through and taking on so much you know there will eventually come a breaking point. Dying is reaching that breaking point and letting it go. It is letting yourself be broken, but not accepting such a state, putting yourself back together with wisdom alongside strength, so it does not happen again.

Dying means letting go of anything that might have held you back. It is finding complete acceptance in all that you are, all aspects of light and dark in your soul and now, instead of the darkness keeping you alive, choosing to let your light be the source of what keeps you going. It is embracing the woman who has long hidden inside the warrior’s armour, letting your heart be seen even as you still keep it locked up and only precious few inside, those rare true souls who truly cherish and understand it.

Dying is making one sacrifice for another. The sacrifice you make though you know will be worth it, for each evolution of you tears away the layers that were once a cold, emotionless machine who chose to be a rock island in the world, revealing the true heart that has been buried so deep for so long, breathing new life into it. Terminator to Warrior to Angel, saved by grace and reborn by fire, stronger and wiser and finding the beauty in the beast, walking forward without looking back.

© 2013 Rosie Chee

2012 | Day 57: REFINED in Hell's Fires. REBORN from the Ashes. NEW Terminator Rising Up!

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE OF THE DAY

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along" . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

For the complete Motivational, review Strong Enough to Face Life | WPM Women.   

TRAINING

It's been another screwed up week of training, primarily because I have not been going to sleep until ~0330 every morning, and, instead of just pulling an all-nighter as I would have done in the past, just staying up and starting training ~0430, I have been "letting" myself fall asleep, waking between 0530-0730, giving me some time to go for a run in the morning before work sometimes (if waking before 0630) and meaning training has to be done after work (which can be any time from 1930-2200), which is what "keeps" me awake until all hours (that, and being highly stressed, my mind not able to "turn off")...

Training completed this week:

Monday

Session 1

HIIT Run:
a. 4 min jogging
b. 24 x 20 sprint/10 sec easy
c. 4 min jogging

Stretch 49 min

Session 2

CrossTrainer 10 min

Shoulders/Hamstrings (1 min recovery between sets):
1. Behind-the-neck BB Military Press 6 x 12, 10, 8, 6, 6, 6
2. BB Military Press 6 x 10, 9, 9, 8, 8, 7
3. Single-Arm Cable Lateral Raises 2 x 15 per side
4. Single-Arm Plate Lateral Raises 2 x 15 per side
5. DB Lateral Raises 2 x 10
6. Side-to-side Plyometric Bench Jumps 6 x 20

Did not go to sleep until just AFTER my 0330 alarm, waking at 0430 and 0523, just getting up at 0530, since it was obvious I wasn't going to go back to sleep, I just got up...Went for my HIIT Run at 0700. It was cold, but the freshness was welcome. I felt fresh despite the lack of sleep, my sprints hard and fast and feeling like the best re intensity I was able to put into them in a long time. Right knee started seizing up during the last few sprints though, and it was an effort to push through...Resistance training waited until after work - the ONLY day this week I actually finished at the time I am SUPPOSED to, instead of going several HOURS OVERtime. Started out on the CrossTrainer for a warm-up, faster than I have ever done on it before, keeping my pace high, to get me warm and make my legs hurt, to cover any other pain I was experiencing, ignoring the sharp burning in my right biceps' tendon and cramp in my left calf. Moved from that to Behind-the-neck BB Military Press - I did better than last week, more reps at the same weight, but it hurt more as well, and I kept pushing for 2-4 reps MORE than I should have, the pain becoming excruciating. BB Military Press was interesting and I almost dropped the barbell after each set from the pain. Tried a different "approach" re lateral delts today, and did three different exercises for two sets. Single-Arm Cable Lateral Raises were WTF?! I was weak as anything, my biceps tendons screaming well after only a few reps on each side. I was near tears on the second set and had to dropset the weight, feeling like the most pathetic creature in the gym with how light it was. Single-Arm Plate Lateral Raises were ok, but seeing the difference in muscle and definition between right and lefts sides noticeably. DB Lateral Raises finished me off for sure. And if they didn't, my Side-to-side Plyometric Bench Jumps did - I used the highest bench in the gym, which yes, might not have been the best idea, and on my third set, my vision blurry, I stumbled, lost my balance and almost faceplanted into the dumbbell rack in front of me. A little lightheaded, I took a brief breather before finishing off my sets...No post-weights cardio today - after the Bench Jumps, I was done...

Tuesday

Run 7 miles @ 5 min/mile pace

Stretch 31 min

Another sleepless night into the early morning, this time with only half an hour of sleep from an overload of stress [the last few weeks]. A couple of hours later, because my mind would just not turn off and I needed some time out, I went for a 7-mile run at 5-minute mile pace to meditate and clear my head. It's been a long time since I ran so far or pushed my body that hard, and believe me, I FELT it! I definitely don't do things by half measures and one of these days, if I keep pushing myself like this, either my heart will give out again or my body will break somewhere else. Not that I am too worried about THAT...The crisp air helped calm the chill around my head, although my eyes were watering (not just from the cold). I wore only a t-shirt because I wanted my skin to be numb, to give something for my mind to wander to (which they didn't). Just me, the road, and God. Barely able to breathe, shallow gasps of air, my mind screaming (for a time), ignoring the pain in my right knee (for as long as possible; got hard to when I was limping from ~15 minutes into my run)...Gave several things up to God [I should have a long time ago] and finished my run feeling somewhat lighter. Still decided to leave my resistance session until after work though...Weights did not end up happening, as sh*t going at work blew to pieces and I was there far later than I wanted (and expected) to be, the calm evaporated into a seething aggression that would not have been conducive to training (even though I channel my aggression and rage through my training, there ARE some times when all it would be is a detriment and my training that day a waste of time). To be done later in the week...

Wednesday

Day OFF

Sleep started when I wanted to be getting up, for only ~3 hours, before it was time to get up. Just felt sluggish, head pounding. Work was another disaster, and a discovery later that evening tipped me over the edge of the sanity that I have been trying to hold onto for the last month. In an instant, all life, energy, motivation, and desire for anything but a deep, dark numbness and wanting to disappear from the world replaced me. In such a state, training was not even a thought.

Thursday

HIIT Run:
a. 4 min jogging
b. 24 x 20 sec effort/10 sec rest
c. 4 min skipping

Stretch 30 min

After a restless, sleepless night, not even there, a blank mask on a shell, I finally kicked myself in the head and went out for a run - HIIT, since I didn't do anything yesterday. During HIIT a change came over me. Something rose inside me and roared, my thoughts suddenly transformed from the discombobulating spinning in my mind to an eerie calm as it realized the truth it had known but not wanted to know, accepting the challenge of life, renewing courage, casting aside weakness and all mental restrictions that would hold me back in the future and prevent me from doing what I must and should. In an instant I was changed, like someone had suddenly shut me down, all that was left the machine that others had (until now) always had an impression of, a strength unlike any strength I have used before, rebuilding my resolve, my will. Freedom is a very releasing feeling. Even if it returns back to you parts of you thought to have been suppressed forever - there was a reason I was as I was when I was younger; it was how I survived (with His Grace), and in this time, it has joined me again. It has joined me and other aspects of me have gone, but not for a brief time - this time it is FOREVER and I do not want them back either. From now on I will be a weapon, attacking life with a vengeance, determination to leave as deep an impression on it as possible, as deep a mark as possible on all whose lives I cross paths with. A Warrior with a Purpose, I will have no hesitation in doing what I HAVE to do, anything in my life with destructive power GONE...Determined and light-hearted, I headed to work...However, the aggression of earlier this week returning full-force later on as an abusive situation turned yet again for the worse, making me mad enough to spit bullets, destructive enough that training, even though I WANT to hurt myself, would have been self-destructive in a NOT good way tonight, so I left it alone...

Friday

Session 1

Run 7 miles

Stretch 13 min

Session 2

CrossTrainer 10 min

Arms/Abs (30 sec recovery between supersets and giant sets):
SuperSet A -
1. Close-Grip BB Bicep Curls 4 x 10, 8, 6, 6
2. Dips 4 x 10, 8, 8, 6
SuperSet B -
3. Incline DB Hammer Bicep Curls 4 x 10
4. V-Bar Tricep Push-Downs 4 x 8, 8, 6, 6
SuperSet C -
5. DB Zottoman Curls 4 x 10
6. Standing DB French Press 4 x 6
Giant Set -
7. Alternate DB Hammer Curls 4 x 8 per side
8. Swissball Crunches (270 to 180 degrees; feet on wall, knees at 90 degree angle) 4 x 10
9. Ab Rollout 4 x 10
10. Deadbug 4 x 10

Post-Weights Cardio:
a. Kettlebell throw and catch to a squat (standing on BOSHU Ball) 5 min
b. Skipping (as many “double unders” as possible) 5 min
c. Skipping (on the BOSHU Ball) 5 min

Stretch 15 min

Passed out a little earlier than usual last night, but plenty of time for a 7-mile run before work - starting to like these again; might start doing them every other day instead of only 10 minutes of cardio pre-weights. Run was great. Air was cooler this morning, but crisp enough to wash over me in a calm, leaving a blank canvas for the day...Resistance session was going to be a hit-or-miss-not-sure-if-I-will-do-it after work (day 0830 to 1930 - NO breaks). Because I haven't done one since Monday, I knew I HAD to, and despite still not being sure whether or not I would actually do one, I took all my pre-training supplements at 1900 in preparation for it, more motivation (well, that, and I work in a gym, so there's NO excuse NOT to train, really). Somewhere between then and 1930, my mood drastically changed and I was READY to go!...Started out on the CrossTrainer, HARD AND FAST, virtually making it a 10-minute "sprint". Gasping for breath, I half-jumped-fell off, blood pumping, ready for the weights...Already determined that I was going to put my body through its paces, short recovery period between heavy supersets, lifting as much as I could. Started off with Close-Grip BB Bicep Curls - been struggling with these ridiculously the last few weeks, so, against all sense, upped it a little and nearly didn't make the last rep on the last set. Dips I did more slowly, going lower than ever, making sure to gauge the "intensity", so my reps would match that re Close-Grip BB Bicep Curls. Loving the vascularity popping when I started on SuperSet B, only getting stronger, the double blue lines separating in my biceps after the first superset. Even though the DB I used for Zottoman Curls were lighter than I am used to using, they made me work, and my arms were getting so pumped and tight that they started becoming painful on the third set. DB French Press sent a sharp pain through my right anterior deltoid and bicep, but I pushed past it, gritting my teeth for six reps each set. Finished off weights with a giant set, one last exercise for arms to ensure complete destruction, before setting into abs. Although only 10 reps each set of each abs' exercise, they were burning from the very FIRST set of Swissball Crunches! My body was on FIRE by the end of my session...Not over yet, though! Because I wasn't going to do post-weights cardio (and I really SHOULD have, since this is something I have learnt that my body NEEDS!), I did something else. After contemplating attempting standing on the swissball, or even jumping up and squatting on it (I know, stupid, considering it's how I broke my left wrist the first time), I ended up doing kettlebell throws on the BOSHU ball instead with one of the guys I work with - squatting down on catching it (so much for NO work for legs, right, LOL). One of the guys I work with and I have a standing competition to see who can do the most "double unders" with a skipping rope without stopping, so after all that, we spent several minutes trying to outdo each other and see if we could beat the record for it - which neither of us managed to do, our knees shot, my right almost giving out on me and rolling my left ankle. But, not to be deterred, I suddenly had the idea of making it MORE difficult and decided randomly to try skipping on the BOSHU ball (not a word - but not to be attempted at home, LOL :p) - NOT easy by any means, and I spent more time on the floor than the ball for my first few attempts. After being looked at like I was out of my mind (I'll try almost anything once- why not?!) and being told to stop, since what a great example it is for the trainers to be doing "dangerous" things, I succeeded not once, but TWICE, and then got Joe to try it. Great times, honestly. Ended the session sore and bruised (I still have burn marks on my arms, elbows, and back from my "great" idea of using a swissball as a "sumo-suit" against Joe, and instead of bouncing back onto my feet as I did the first time we did it, just flying my feet out from under me, top half first, onto my back onto the concrete floor several times), but LAUGHING...Went out to dinner with the guys afterwards, so very different than I had been all week, as if the DELIBERATE pain I was putting my body through, the latest way to see how far I can push my body to see if it "breaks", giving me a new lease on life...

Saturday

CrossTrainer 10 min

Full-Body (30 sec recovery between trisets):
TriSet A -
1. Alternate DB Hammer Bicep Curls 3 x 10, 8, 8 per side
2. Dips 3 x 10, 8, 8
3. Plank 3 x 1 min
TriSet B -
4. Plate Lateral Raises 3 x 15
5. Plate Hammer Raises 3 x 8
6. Rear Delt Flyes 3 x 11
TriSet C -
7. Supinated BB Bent Over Rows 3 x 10
8. Side-to-side Alternating DB Push-Ups (feet on floor, hands on DB/floor) 3 x 10
9. Ab Rollout 3 x 10

Stretch 20 min

Woke the latest I have in a long time this morning, after passing out earlier than usual, giving my body a few extra hours of obviously needed sleep...My mood from last night still in the system, I was bouncing around work with energy, jumping up and down on the BOSHU ball like it was a trampoline, causing the guys to shake their heads in amusement, being told it was like I "have been drinking", LOL...By the time work was over I was so READY for training, hammering it out with a Full-Body session, a little shorter than last week, but with higher intensity...CrossTrainer to start - I was almost laughing to myself during the first few minutes, but as I dug in and pain set into my left knee (from the skipping last night) and under my breastbone (a sharp, stabbing pain had lingered there for the few hours PRE-training and I was NOT going to have it prevent me from training), the "smile" became a grimace...30 seconds rest between [any] sets is what my body seems to respond to the best as far as progress, so I am sticking to it, no matter how hard I push myself. I was shaking badly on my second Plank, after feeling my triceps trembling during the prior set of Dips. Probably should have done a few more reps of each set re Lateral Raises, so next week I'll go heavier (and use DB), but more than made up for it by going heavier and struggling through Rear Delt Flyes, my left wrist cracking and creaking. My right elbow still refuses to come in close by my side when doing Supinated BB Bent Over Rows, despite my best efforts, so I am just going to have to work harder on this. Push-Ups were killer, my arms nearly giving out on me towards the end of my second set - noticing how "rounded" my upper back is from my cycling days when doing these (and planks), no matter how straight my back is or good my posture/form. Finished off the last triset with almost-all-the-way-to-the-floor Ab Rollouts, feeling my core tight and burn from yesterday's abwork...No post-weights cardio, just stretching, since I was really feeling it in my right shoulder/bicep afterwards (pain that ended up lasting all day)...

Sunday

HIIT Run:
a. 4 min jogging
b. 8 x 20 sec sprint/10 sec easy
c. 12 min jogging

Stretch 25 min

Beautiful day outside. Since I have only done two HIIT sessions this week, because I need to do THREE, and because I do NOT want to do any more NOT sprinting, I went for a HIIT Run, albeit only doing eight sprints, so that I can give it everything tomorrow morning (since Monday is a HIIT day). My body is exhausted [from yesterday's resistance session] but my sprints were good, the first few surprising me, actually, seeming almost effortless and over before I knew it. Going to have to start doing LONGER sprints, or just do upwards of 20-24 from now on!

Training this week was again not even close to Maintenance, and in fact, LESS than last week (which is so very NOT cool), so much so that I pretty much consider this a "Week Off"! I got beaten this week - just not in training as much as I had planned on! "Rebooting" is OVER - ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! DESTRUCTION TO COMMENCE, please!

OTHER NOTES

Body Composition

9.1% bodyfat - instead of a 0.3% decrease in bodyfat this week, I GAINED by 0.3%! My body composition was not something I was looking forward to seeing this week, knowing what kind of week it was re life events, stress, training (not even HALF of Maintenance), nutrition (not ONE "good" day - pizza and chocolate or buffet EVERY night after work), and everything else going on. But, it's done now. The week is over. It's been a week a long time in coming, but there can NEVER EVER be another like this in my life! And NEXT week I am aiming to lose ~0.1% bodyfat a DAY!...That aside, I HAVE gained some muscle mass this week - even though my right and left sides are still unbalanced, there is more mass in my deltoids and arms, the definition clearer than it was last week when I was leaner. Unfortunately, even though little resistance training done, with not even Hamstrings done when it WAS done, my lower body has "grown" by almost an INCH - so got to REALLY watch this and ELIMINATE ALL exercise with even a hint of weight that works legs...

Supplements

My bottle of AnaBeta runs out tomorrow - instead of a month, it's only lasted three weeks, since I've been using 5-6 caps daily...It's been nearly three weeks of using Erase PRO. It has not been the best three weeks ever, and each one has changed drastically re training AND nutrition, but progress HAS been made - just over one more week left to see what happens...

Lyle MacDonald's Rapid Fat Loss Crash Diet

As much as I hate to admit it, this did NOT happen this week. I know shame on me; I need to be more DISCIPLINED (but hey, I am only human, and I AM going to have my "weak" moments like everyone else). But, not going to regret it or stress over it, and just going to attempt it this COMING week instead. No biggie. Getting training back on track and up to Maintenance, completed first thing in the morning pre-work, and work hopefully less stressful, all other disruptions in my life from this last week [and month, really], somewhat "settled", I should be able to REfocus and DO THIS! I HAVE TO! NOT being leaner is NOT acceptable!

If I thought last week was stressful, it didn't hold a candle to what happened THIS week, which has honestly been one of the hardest and most challenging weeks in my LIFE (which says a lot, given everything I've been through)! That said, I guess it's been some time in coming, and now that it's over and done with, I can let go and move ON with my life for the better, thankful for the experience, grateful to have been blessed such, stronger and more determined than ever, knowing that the best for me is yet to COME, having faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now in my life. I have NOTHING left to lose, so it's time to push the limits even MORE than ever, marching FORWARD with directive PURPOSE! There is a NEW Terminator in the world!