EVOLUTION OF A PURPOSE DRIVEN WARRIOR: stimulant junkie

December 22, 2010

Day 355: Stim-Dependency

Quote of the Day

"One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." - Unknown

Training

None. Against myself, my body made this this week's day OFF . . . GRRR . . .

Comments

Sleep - Time and Quality: Still not falling asleep until ~0600, but sleeping longer and longer, waking just after 1400 today! NOT cool, and explainable, when thought about.

Energy: I've had nothing for anything but doing what I have to. The problem is that I've been withOUT any real stimulants for quite some time now, and it's definitely affecting EVERYthing - as I have said before, I'm NOT (well, barely, at any rate) functional withOUT a LOT of stimulants (and yes, I know it is something that I have to kick OUT of - FAST)!

Stress: Higher than ever.

Recovery: Fatigued and no good for anything.

November 19, 2010

Day 321: I truly am an Addict!

Quote of the Day

"All the breaks you need in life wait within your imagination. Imagination is the workshop of your mind, capable of turning mind energy into accomplishment and wealth." - Napoleon Hill

Training

None.

The funny thing is, this would have been my week OFF training if I had competed as originally planned last weekend. Weird how things turn out.

Comments

Sleep - Time and Quality: I've spent the last few days doing not a lot else but sleeping - and now I know WHY . . .

Mood/Aggression: NOT good.

Energy: I have none.

Mental Focus and Clarity: I have not a lot of this either.

Stress: It's a small stress off knowing why I am feeling like this.

Libido: Demands upon demands here.

Recovery: It's not about what I've been doing or not doing, but about what I have not been having.

Other Notes: It's not the higher dose of Erase. It's not the lack of water that I've had over the past few days. It's not the highly upsetting and stressful events of the last week. It's my body going through STIMULANT WITHDRAWAL - and FAST. Didn't take long at all - barely a day withOUT BLACK CATS and I may as well have had someone sounding a battering ram in my head. I KNOW I have a serious problem - I'm NOT functional withOUT stimulants, and LOTS of them, which is nothing good, to say the least. I HAVE to get more, and STRONG ones at that, tomorrow, so that I can start LIVING again! . . . On that note, I used the last of my NeoVar Recomped today, so will be starting CreaPure again tomorrow . . . May also add in Recompadrol as my nutrient repartitioner, since I don't do well without one of those either . . . I am DEFINITELY going to have to learn to TAKE CARE of my HEALTH and STOP DESTROYING myself!

Question of the Day

Is the night ever truly black? Is it as dark as we sometimes think it is, or no, because there is never ever really a true absence of light?

Favourite Quotes

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

"TRUST in HIM, who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20

"Look back and thank God. Look forward and trust God. Look within and find God! God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can close!" - Unknown

"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. IMPOSSIBLE is nothing. How are you going to live your life?" - U.S. Army

"I succeed because I am willing to do the things you are not. I will fight against the odds. I will sacrifice. I am not shacked by fear, insecurity or doubt. I feel those emotions but I drink them in and swallow them away to the blackness of hell. I am motivated by accomplishment, not pride. Pride consumes the weak and kills their heart from inside. If I fall... I will get up. If I am beaten... I will return. I will never give up... EVER." - Nike

"The biggest risk in life is to risk nothing at all." - Anonymous

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

"It’s not about what you’ve got; it’s about what you DO with what you’ve got.” – Andie West, Step Up 2: The Streets

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." – Steve Prefontaine

"Never, never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!...until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life...Cause if you're willing to go through all the battling you got to go through to get where you want to get, who's got the right to stop you? I mean maybe some of you guys got something you never finished, something you really want to do, something you never said to someone, something...and you're told no, even after you paid your dues? Who's got the right to tell you that, who? Nobody! It's your right to listen to your gut, it ain't nobody's right to say no after you earned the right to be where you want to be and do what you want to do!...You know, the older I get the more things I gotta leave behind, that's life. The only thing I'm asking you guys to leave on the table...is what's right." - Rocky Balboa

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Nothing in the world is permanent and we are foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we are still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it." – William Somerset Maughan

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." - Stacey Charter

EVOLUTION OF A PURPOSE DRIVEN WARRIOR

December 22, 2010

Day 355: Stim-Dependency

November 19, 2010

Day 321: I truly am an Addict!

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