June 10, 2012

2012 | Day 159: I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow...don't wanna live like this today...


DO What You HAVE To Do For YOU

Life is always going to be full of things that we have no control over, no matter how much we wish in our hearts that it would change, or that people would change, and SEE us deep inside our soul for who we are and could be, and understand and appreciate what we have to give and offer. Sometimes the people we love the most are the people who we should NOT even care about, the people we should let GO of, because they are not the people who are THERE walking beside us through life, whether by some circumstances they cannot control even if they want to, or they simply don’t care.

The love I loved the most I lost before I even had a real chance to have it and know what it was like, taken from me by the one I loved the most because they did not have the courage or the strength in them to believe in something that could have been the most beautiful thing that life might ever have chanced them with. And even though I was ready to reach out my hand and step into that chance, I was pushed back and thrown down, cast away and let fall like a star falls from the sky in the deepest dark of night, a bright flash of light fading from existence, so fast that I wonder if anyone even noticed it was gone.

Some of the deepest sorrows we hold close when we need to let them GO. We hold onto memories and hope and faith when we should long have moved ON. We let it eat away at our souls, unconsciously destroying ourselves from WITHIN, until we are but shadows haunting this world with our presence, because we are no longer fully alive, lost and wandering, not wanting to find our way, because our way is gone from us and all that is left is the darkness that consumes what is left of our hearts, which are exhausted and just want to STOP and sleep and never wake up.

But that is not living, only merely existing and if we merely exist we may as well BE dead. Even though it hurts more than anything else ever might, we HAVE to open our eyes and realize what we are doing to ourselves, that life was NOT meant to be lived in darkness, our hearts not meant to lose hope, our souls not meant to be cast from the heavens into the pits of hell, not meant to STOP living, nor stop in our journey at all. We are meant to keep MOVING, moving FORWARD, because just because one person does not care enough about our soul does not mean that WE should give up on it as well.

We MUST keep moving forward, even if we don’t want to. We MUST do it for ourselves, because we know deep down in our innermost core that it is the BEST thing to do. It may take time as you grieve, to come out of the shadows, a mere whisper of life as you cautiously step back into the journey that is waiting for you. DON’T let someone else compromise your life and how it should be lived. Don’t let them take away your joy, your happiness, your ability to think and feel and wonder. Even if they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you, if they cause you to be like this, then they truly are NOT, and you must do what you know in your heart you NEED to do for YOU to LIVE your life the way you were MEANT to.

Quote for Reflection:




Sleep: Went to bed just before 0230 this morning, but although completely shattered it took me a while to fall asleep. When I did, it was deep and black for ~5 hours. Still felt drained of all energy on waking, but got up for about half an hour before going back to bed, passing out for ~3 hours, dreaming this time, strange dreams.

Mental Acuity: My mind has been on the go since the time I got up for good and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I've gotten a lot done, alert and ready!

Mood: Interesting. Odd. Just a combination of everything going on.

Energy: It's this week's day OFF training today, so whether I have energy or not doesn't matter. That said, I KNOW I could hammer out a training session if I wanted to and are SO tempted to - the only thing holding me back is the fact that my delt/biceps' tendons are still painful and the day of rest might do them so good.

Stress: High - stressing myself out, and it's not the "good"/productive stress I either.

Libido: In tune with my mood at the moment.

Joints: Constant pain in both delt/biceps' tendons now.

Body Composition: 8.9% bodyfat - a loss of 1.1% bodyfat over this last week (yes, due to a combination of multiple factors, I was not very happy to see that I was 10% bodyfat last week, and ashamed with myself so much so that it's taken this long to admit it since I have not been over 9.5% bodyfat in over a year - now I am doing my best to make sure I don't go over 9% bodyfat again). My delts and arms are both still symmetrical re girths (flexed and unflexed) and are looking so much better than they were (yes, even from 10 days ago - so the quantities of calories I have been consuming has helped some here, if nowhere else) - when I'm training, the separation in the muscles is becoming quite noticeable, and I like it. Now to just get my lower body to behave and slim back DOWN - more sprinting and evening runs in training from next week.

Training: Going to continue on with similar training that I did this week for the next few weeks, since my body has responded well to it - just adding in a couple more evening runs, since they definitely make me FEEL better.

Nutrition: It's been worse than usual and has not contributed to my "physical" feeling. I've been constantly "hungry" (like I was when I was using G8), eating anything and everything, not caring that 90% of what I have been consuming my body is sensitive to, or I simply do not even like or want it. The low after the high, I guess. STOPPING that now though, because my body deserves RESPECT and to be taken care of, not to be abused.

Supplements: Should have all MY "staples" back next week.

Other Notes: The June 2012 issue of FitnessX Magazine is out for viewing - you can read it online for free HERE.