October 2, 2015


There are so many things the world doesn't see. What moulds you, shapes you, creates what they DO see. I didn't realize until the day after just what doing the K-Do Alliance photoshoot would mean. What it would REVEAL. That my trip to New York would turn into something else entirely - a soul renaissance. Very few know of my past and any abuse - it's not something I'm proud of or ever wanted anyone to know; maybe because I think the world sees me as "strong", when that is not something a "strong" person allows or endures. Yet I refuse to see myself as a victim - "survivor" may be a better term, but not even that truly expresses what was done and overcome. Sometimes what makes us strong is what we go through and we don't know how strong we are until we ARE. There is irony in that. Anyway, it was not so much the photoshoot itself, but what it stood for and represented, connecting with the others involved and being there just in the atmosphere, that made the difference and created the subtle shift of change that would come. You might say it started a "domino effect" that had to be finished and it will not be finished until every last domino has fallen, every last wall and stronghold in my soul broken down and peered into. Something I thought I had ALREADY done, but have realized sometimes happens multiple times throughout our lifetime, as we change and evolve and grow. And sometimes simply because we can hide the truth from [even] ourselves so well we do not realize we have hidden it until something "triggers" an emotion or response that hits us like a flood and we are overwhelmed at its existence. The world sees strength and confidence when they look at me. They see positive encouragement and motivation and passion. They do not see what "drives" that, or the events and emotions behind the purpose for their happening and being.

^^^ I wrote those words a week after the K-Do Alliance photoshoot and are only now finally ready to share them, "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6).

In Continuum: The "soul renaissance" that began then has not been easy - many things since have caused enlightenment, often that which has emerged from the deep causing momentary collapse and destruction, and five months later I feel like I have embarked on a journey of memories and soul secrets, truths and realizations finally ready to be spoken; even as recently I have felt like I am sinking into the darkness; like the more light there appears to be, the more the darkness tries to swallow me. But we should REVEL in the light, not let ourselves be burned by it, understanding that illumination is only painful because it is cleansing us from the inside out, reshaping and recreating us as we learn and grow through the flames. I have learnt to be at peace with my demons, because the darkness is just as much a part of me as the light and always will be, but it the LIGHT I choose to now temper my soul, even as I know and understand how much the darkness is the only reason I can allow and now be thus. One can never know how many "dominos" there are, but this day, this moment, I realize that I have come close, if not to, the end of the pattern that began to topple and fall that day, spiraling through the strongholds, unlocking those "secrets" and confronting them, courage building in the vulnerability to be able to shine light on that darkness before others.

Photo by: Charles Alexander | Bodypaint by: Phil Valy